I have found myself growing less fond of Rascal Flatts in the past few years. I like the words to the songs but who they have become bugs me. Well, that is really neither here nor there.
On Sunday evening, D came along with Wyatt and I for a quick run to the grocery store. D has not been doing well lately. He is having disc problems in his back and is in a lot of pain physically. As we were driving to the store, an idiot driver pulled around us onto the dirt-non-lane and proceeded to drive like a bat out of hell! (I'd like to give my mom props for teaching me that phrase). Anyway, D became quite agitated and in my attempt to lighten the mood, I starting singing along with the song on the radio...
My wish for you is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big
Your worries stay small
You never have to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there gettin' what your gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish
As I sang the words through tear filled eyes and voice we both experienced something surreal. I thought I was going to be funny but instead we both realized that those words touched many places in both of hearts that needed comfort in that moment. Life does not look like we want it to right now. We can't see where God is leading and how long he will have us waiting where we are. And still...I pray that we continue to dream big, knowing that he is carrying us as we journey along in this together.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Anger
Today is Tuesday and I am co-leading a grace group tonight on Anger.
Tuesday. Not Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday but Tuesday. The one morning other than the weekend that D is home in the morning. The morning that I have a chance to sleep in a little if Wyatt does. The morning that the 3 of us get to hang out, eat breakfast together, drink coffee, listen to music, play, or watch TV.
This morning, Wyatt starting to fuss and wake up somewhere in the 5 o'clock hour. He fell back asleep...D and I did not. D and I are very different in our responses to not sleeping, possibly since he has had difficulty sleeping for over 15 years. He gets up, watches TV, reads, or, like this morning gets in the massage chair in the garage. On the other hand, I lay in bed trying to fall back asleep. For me, stimulation of the mind is a bad thing if I want to have any chance of falling back asleep.
Around 6, Wyatt woke again and this time it was clear that he was awake. I went in and got him, fed him, then we walked down to see daddy. D was so excited! He was happy that we were awake and that spending time with us was going to start earlier than he had thought possible. I began to get angry.
After his chair massage stopped, we came inside and he began asking about starting breakfast. I must have mumbled under my breath that it doesn't matter to me, (I just want to be asleep-no I'm not ready to eat!) go ahead. As he began to prepare breakfast, I sat in the family room and checked out. Wyatt was in the kitchen with daddy, trying his hardest to reach the counter tops...having the time of his life. As I sat by myself, I was determined not to help. Eventually, breakfast was ready and I did help Wyatt eat. As we finished, D asked if he could work on a few things on the computer that needed to be done (he could sense my anger and knew how I can blow up when I feel like he is checked out at the computer.) As I began to clean the kitchen, I was aware of my anger. Aware, not in touch.
An unexpected phone call interrupted my thoughts. I turned my anger there. It required D's attention and immediate action and allowed me a diversion to what had really been going on for me. Eventually D had to run upstairs and shower for work. I pulled out my book and read.
I've misdirected my anger towards others by...The misdirected anger has hurt others because...What is beneath my feelings of anger...What is my anger rooted in...What do I do when I feel this way...What is it I really need...I go to anger because...
As D came down the stairs, he poked at my heart. As we talked, I was able to partially process through what had gone on for me. I had missed some of what he offered me. I had hurt him with my words. I had hurt him with my silence. I could not own all of that.
Sitting here, replaying the scenes from this morning and writing them out, I am grieved. I missed out. I chose to allow my anger to hide my needs and feelings. I used anger to "maintain control". I used anger to blame D.
I had the same longing D did this morning but because I felt missed in my fatigue, I decided to hide behind my anger...guaranteeing that my longing could not be met.
Tuesday. Not Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday but Tuesday. The one morning other than the weekend that D is home in the morning. The morning that I have a chance to sleep in a little if Wyatt does. The morning that the 3 of us get to hang out, eat breakfast together, drink coffee, listen to music, play, or watch TV.
This morning, Wyatt starting to fuss and wake up somewhere in the 5 o'clock hour. He fell back asleep...D and I did not. D and I are very different in our responses to not sleeping, possibly since he has had difficulty sleeping for over 15 years. He gets up, watches TV, reads, or, like this morning gets in the massage chair in the garage. On the other hand, I lay in bed trying to fall back asleep. For me, stimulation of the mind is a bad thing if I want to have any chance of falling back asleep.
Around 6, Wyatt woke again and this time it was clear that he was awake. I went in and got him, fed him, then we walked down to see daddy. D was so excited! He was happy that we were awake and that spending time with us was going to start earlier than he had thought possible. I began to get angry.
After his chair massage stopped, we came inside and he began asking about starting breakfast. I must have mumbled under my breath that it doesn't matter to me, (I just want to be asleep-no I'm not ready to eat!) go ahead. As he began to prepare breakfast, I sat in the family room and checked out. Wyatt was in the kitchen with daddy, trying his hardest to reach the counter tops...having the time of his life. As I sat by myself, I was determined not to help. Eventually, breakfast was ready and I did help Wyatt eat. As we finished, D asked if he could work on a few things on the computer that needed to be done (he could sense my anger and knew how I can blow up when I feel like he is checked out at the computer.) As I began to clean the kitchen, I was aware of my anger. Aware, not in touch.
An unexpected phone call interrupted my thoughts. I turned my anger there. It required D's attention and immediate action and allowed me a diversion to what had really been going on for me. Eventually D had to run upstairs and shower for work. I pulled out my book and read.
I've misdirected my anger towards others by...The misdirected anger has hurt others because...What is beneath my feelings of anger...What is my anger rooted in...What do I do when I feel this way...What is it I really need...I go to anger because...
As D came down the stairs, he poked at my heart. As we talked, I was able to partially process through what had gone on for me. I had missed some of what he offered me. I had hurt him with my words. I had hurt him with my silence. I could not own all of that.
Sitting here, replaying the scenes from this morning and writing them out, I am grieved. I missed out. I chose to allow my anger to hide my needs and feelings. I used anger to "maintain control". I used anger to blame D.
I had the same longing D did this morning but because I felt missed in my fatigue, I decided to hide behind my anger...guaranteeing that my longing could not be met.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Popcorn Thoughts
I have never truly been a popcorn fan. When I was growing up, my brother and I used to pop some microwave popcorn that was already made with caramel. I am not sure how good that was for us but we liked it and it became somewhat of a splurge for us.
In my late 20's a friend introduced me to popcorn with Parmesan cheese or powdered Ranch. I could get into that,but never seem to make it for myself.
All that to say, I feel like my mind is full of popcorn thoughts and I don't really know what I want to write about since it has been so long since I have written.
So here's my popcorn:
Loneliness
Friendships
Weight Loss
Exercise
Wyatt's teething
Wyatt's pulling up to stand
We need to get a gate for the stairs
4 years since we got engaged
Busy weekends
Family
Reading
Journaling
Fall TV schedule
Holiday trips
Weddings
Baby showers
Work schedule
Thank you notes
Scrap booking
Cleaning
Organizing
Grocery shopping
Responding to emails, phone calls, FB messages
My sexy husband
That's all for now.
In my late 20's a friend introduced me to popcorn with Parmesan cheese or powdered Ranch. I could get into that,but never seem to make it for myself.
All that to say, I feel like my mind is full of popcorn thoughts and I don't really know what I want to write about since it has been so long since I have written.
So here's my popcorn:
Loneliness
Friendships
Weight Loss
Exercise
Wyatt's teething
Wyatt's pulling up to stand
We need to get a gate for the stairs
4 years since we got engaged
Busy weekends
Family
Reading
Journaling
Fall TV schedule
Holiday trips
Weddings
Baby showers
Work schedule
Thank you notes
Scrap booking
Cleaning
Organizing
Grocery shopping
Responding to emails, phone calls, FB messages
My sexy husband
That's all for now.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Bundle of BOY
His sounds fill my house. He is screaming, he is laughing, he is grunting, he is crying, he is ALL BOY! Last night, while Wyatt was sleeping, my mom brought over a special surprise for him. We were able to find a fun car jumper toy that he had used in Amarillo and she was so excited to be able to get one for him to have at home.
This morning, as he is sitting and playing, I have a few minutes to catch up on the computer. I remembered that last August 20th was when we had our ultrasound to find out if we were having a girl or a boy. What a special moment as we began to embrace what we were experiencing! It is hard to believe that it was only a year ago. He will be turning 7 months old on Sunday and he has 4 teeth, is sitting on his own, is crawling short distances, and is full of passion! Full of passion= a very expressive boy both facially and vocally...he definitely has a set of lungs on him ;)
Enjoy a video from our trip to Amarillo...hopefully I will return to blogging next week!
This morning, as he is sitting and playing, I have a few minutes to catch up on the computer. I remembered that last August 20th was when we had our ultrasound to find out if we were having a girl or a boy. What a special moment as we began to embrace what we were experiencing! It is hard to believe that it was only a year ago. He will be turning 7 months old on Sunday and he has 4 teeth, is sitting on his own, is crawling short distances, and is full of passion! Full of passion= a very expressive boy both facially and vocally...he definitely has a set of lungs on him ;)
Enjoy a video from our trip to Amarillo...hopefully I will return to blogging next week!
Friday, July 17, 2009
One of these things just doesn't belong here
I forgot my husband's birthday! Not really...I have been celebrating his life this week and enjoying the fun instead of writing about it. So, happy birthday babe. I hope that you continue to feel loved and celebrated. Wyatt and I had fun visiting daddy's work on Wednesday to bring him balloons and breakfast!
I decided to try something different. Do you all remember the Sesame Street game, "one of these things just doesn't belong here"? I thought it would be fun to give you a list of adjectives and pick which ones don't "fit" D. Let's see if your list is the same as mine. Pick a word from each list that doesn't describe or represent Darin.
1. Dedicated, dancer, dangerous, delirious
2. Dependable, delightful, dumb, dad
3. Daring, daftly, dreamer, different
4. Def Leppard, dandy, darling, duce
Monday, July 13, 2009
My Better Half
... And you look at me
And give me that come-here-baby smile
It's all gonna be alright
You take my hand
You pull me close and you hold me tight
It's the sweet love that you give to me
That makes me believe we can make it through anything
'Cause when it all comes down
And I'm feeling like I'll never last
I just lean on you 'cause baby
You're my better half
These are just a few of the lyrics we sang along to this weekend at the Keith Urban concert. Believe it or not, this concert made one of the top 3 we have seen together including Coldplay and Def Leppard. The concert tickets were a Father's Day gift and the weekend away was part of a bday gift since my man is turning 39 this week! We had some of the best conversations we have ever had on our road trip and during dinner before the concert. It was fun to laugh and cry and even learn new things about each other. Sometimes it is hard for me to separate the conversations in my head from the conversations that truly happen...that being said, D and I had some catching up to do.
The last couple of weeks, my heart and mind have had some long conversations with God. The places where I have been emotionally have lead me to some ugly realizations.
I love the love that D has for me. I love the way he sees me and knows me. He is strong for me, but He is not designed to be my everything. I guess I realized recently that I have been demanding that he be my everything. You know what, he failed, and when he did I realized where I have been putting him. I set him up to fail. Yikes!
The best part about realizing this truth though is that I now have a chance to let D be my husband, God be God, and my friends be friends...and that is something to look forward to!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Moments like these...
Roughly 5 years ago, I was introduced to a 13 year old girl. From the outside looking in, I saw a quiet and hard teenager. As I began to know this young lady, I saw a slightly angry, scared, confused girl who covered her feelings with sarcasm, disdain, and a lot of black clothing.
To be honest, when I first met her, I felt a little intimidated. It was only my second year as a physical therapist, making it my first year working in pediatrics. Since pediatrics ranged from birth to 21 years old, I was used to having a lot of patients in the baby range up to 10 years old but working with a teenager was a newer area for me. I have always found communication to be easy for me...except in this case. She would sit there as I talked and look at me like I was a little crazy, nodding her head or giving me a short answer if my question required more than a simple "yes" or "no".
As I began to hear her story spoken in bits and pieces from her lips but primarily from her mom's, my heart sank low into my chest. The day before her 4th birthday, she was taken to the hospital with a sudden onset of severe physical symptoms. After extensive testing, they diagnosed her with Ependymoma-a tumor on her spinal cord. At that point, her oncologist told the family that they should begin to make preparations for a funeral since she would have very little time to live. Her family however had deep faith and believed that God could heal their precious little girl.
Fast forward 14 years and you meet one of my favorite patients of all time! The last 14 years have not been easy. Chemotherapy, wheelchairs, radiation, therapy, walking, no control of her lower body, walkers, jumping, standing frames, driving. If it feels a little sporadic, it is. Depending on the growth of the tumor and how much pressure it places on the spine determines what her level of mobility will be. The last 5 years in particular have had many highs and lows and as her physical body adjusts to the constant change, I have watched her faith grow through the questions she is willing to ask. What a joy it has been for me to be able to share a special friendship with her through all the ups and downs.
So, as I celebrate her graduation from high school and I celebrate 5 months of life with my precious son, I am reminded that I am truly blessed to experience the best of both worlds
between work and family!
To be honest, when I first met her, I felt a little intimidated. It was only my second year as a physical therapist, making it my first year working in pediatrics. Since pediatrics ranged from birth to 21 years old, I was used to having a lot of patients in the baby range up to 10 years old but working with a teenager was a newer area for me. I have always found communication to be easy for me...except in this case. She would sit there as I talked and look at me like I was a little crazy, nodding her head or giving me a short answer if my question required more than a simple "yes" or "no".
As I began to hear her story spoken in bits and pieces from her lips but primarily from her mom's, my heart sank low into my chest. The day before her 4th birthday, she was taken to the hospital with a sudden onset of severe physical symptoms. After extensive testing, they diagnosed her with Ependymoma-a tumor on her spinal cord. At that point, her oncologist told the family that they should begin to make preparations for a funeral since she would have very little time to live. Her family however had deep faith and believed that God could heal their precious little girl.
Fast forward 14 years and you meet one of my favorite patients of all time! The last 14 years have not been easy. Chemotherapy, wheelchairs, radiation, therapy, walking, no control of her lower body, walkers, jumping, standing frames, driving. If it feels a little sporadic, it is. Depending on the growth of the tumor and how much pressure it places on the spine determines what her level of mobility will be. The last 5 years in particular have had many highs and lows and as her physical body adjusts to the constant change, I have watched her faith grow through the questions she is willing to ask. What a joy it has been for me to be able to share a special friendship with her through all the ups and downs.
So, as I celebrate her graduation from high school and I celebrate 5 months of life with my precious son, I am reminded that I am truly blessed to experience the best of both worlds
between work and family!
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